Things have taken a turn. On this road we call life, I seem to have run into some major obstacles that have presented themselves in a cruel and unique way. Though my passion remains sustainable clothing, I feel in order to be fully transparent and open I need to share other parts of life that are real and complex.
Sharing my feelings has always been a difficult task, especially with those I don’t know. In spite of this, I know there are other people out there that have or currently are going through similar things. Though we are really trained to be silent about it all and put on a brave face for the rest of the world, there is often an emotionally charged underbelly behind much of what we choose to show the world, especially when it comes to our personas we create for ourselves online.
So here it is, raw and unedited. Some of the natural and painful feelings behind it all.
Recently I have been feeling increasingly more and more lost in myself. I know my values and I know my goals, but part of me feels outside and detached from these realizations. With moving to a new city and starting a new life I have developed an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. This loneliness is consistent and highly charged by my inability to connect. The more I realize this loneliness the more I overthink interactions, force false fits, and crush myself for my inability to succeed in the simple task of connecting with another human being.
This time in my life is a rather pivotal one. With continuously trying to process the past 2 years of pain I whitnessed tear it’s way through my family, I have struggled to pick myself up behind the scenes and get my feat back on the ground. Though I moved away to further my education and pursue my dreams, a deep aspect of my move was to escape the feelings that are tied so closely to the physicality of home. This experience has made me feel displaced in the world with no real sense of tranquility anymore. What once was my childhood home, where arms were open and comfort was enveloped, is now a painful reminder of the death that looms over our heads each and every moment of our lives with the loss of my Father.
Along with the loss of my father I also ended a long-term relationship with my best friend. Though my love for him remained strong, I knew we would be better fits for other people. He was my strength when I needed him. He held me up when my mind couldn’t, and for that I will always be grateful. With the loss of the only two men in my life within 2 months of each other my little family unit has shrunk from 5 to 3. The guidance and strength I harnessed from both of these influences have been lost, though I will hold my time with them and teachings I’ve learned for the rest of my life. I am suddenly finding myself at a distance from everything familiar with the knowledge that I will never get it back.
With that, a new chapter has begun. A deeper search of internal freedom and happiness from myself. With this new chapter transparency is key. I have been and will continue to get knocked down through this life, but I am determined with all of the strength in my heart and soul to use what I have been given until I have nothing left to do. I’ll be damned if I leave this world without getting everything from it I could in my life. So let the next chapter begin. Maybe you've had similar experiences or maybe you just feel lost. Let's pick it up and move forward together.