This post is purely about my life, as interesting or dull as it may be. I believe it's important to show the person behind the words and show that no matter how great you may believe others lives are going, things are not always as they seam. Everyone has something they cary with them along the way and I really believe it's important to show the good as well as the bad for full transparency, in both the fashion industry as well as our own lives here and on social media. So here we go.
If you don’t already know, I’m picking up my life and moving to Victoria on August 19th, just 2 weeks from now. I was born in the area but I have lived in Edmonton pretty much my entire life, or for as long as I can really remember.
There are so many reasons why this is going to be difficult. But let’s start at the beginning.
On April 30th 2018 my Dad was diagnosed with a grade 4 glioblastoma, one of the most aggressive forms of brain cancer out there. That summer was full of emotion and pain within my family. We all struggled along with my Dad to keep ourselves together as we watched him try to cope with what was going on. Needless to say, that summer was the worst for myself and my family to date. I went back to school that fall with this weighing heavily on me, never letting it out of my mind.
Before this all happened, I was being treated for anxiety. So naturally when this occurred my anxiety took on a whole new form that I didn’t know was even possible. While sitting in classes that fall, I could feel my chest pulsing and my arm felt almost as if it has cold liquid flowing through my veins. I began to get panic attacks with little warning or reason. I tried a new medication that took away the anxiety but brought with it insomnia and a feeling of sadness that I didn’t need amplified in any way.
With all of this weighing on me I finally made the difficult decision to take a break from school in the Winter semester. I had been in my program for 4 and a half years with only 1 full semester left. But my grades were suffering, and I felt as though I had completely burnt myself out.
I worked the Winter semester and focused on spending time with family. While out of school I started to keep my mind busy with other things that brought me joy and that I felt passionate about. I had been looking into a program with my Dad a few years back that we had talked about me taking after this degree. It focused both on Business and Sustainability, both of which I felt I needed in order to be successful in my career path. So I applied to see what would happen, and a couple months later I was accepted into the program.
Applying was the easy part, making the decision to actually go was not. I knew that if I were to go, I would be gone for 2 years leaving behind my family who needed me and my Dad who would most likely pass away while I was gone. I thought about it for a long long time, talking to every person I valued and trusted about the decision and what it meant I would be doing.
For those of you that don’t know exactly how brain cancer can go, let me paint you a picture. My father was a smart man with a PHD in Chemical Engineering. He started companies and researched technologies that he hoped would change the world for the better. He spent 12 years of his life in post-secondary trying to expand his mind and continued to do so long after he was finished. But by the time I was faced with this decision, he could no longer tell time on a clock. He no longer asked me about school or what I was doing with my life. In fact he could no longer walk, sit up or write. Simple concepts confused him and anger was taking over his mind, manifesting in a way that brought out his deepest fears, blurring the lines between dreaming and reality. Though the physical body that laid in that chair had the same name as my Dad and looked somewhat like my Dad did, he was no longer who my Dad was in his mind. If I were to stay, chances are he wouldn’t remember when I came or went. And I tried to think, “what would Dad have wanted me to do in this situation?”. I know in my heart that he would be proud of me for getting in and wouldn’t want me to pass up this opportunity. He always said it didn’t matter what we did in life as long as we were the best at it, and that is what I am attempting to be.
So I accepted it. I accepted it knowing that I would be leaving him and needing to fly home sometime in my first semester to attend his funeral. The idea of all of this has been weighing on me as my moving date comes closer and closer to pass. Though this was the hardest decision I have ever had to make I believe it was the right one, but that doesn’t make it any easier to go.
Whether you agree with my decision or not is up to you. All I have to say is that you never truly understand the love that you are surrounded with until it falls apart. You never know how difficult a situation is until you’re in it, no matter how much you feel you understand from the outside. I hope that my decision was the right one and that my future will be all the better for it. I believe in what I want to do so much, and I hope you do too.
With that little bit of truth I want to leave you thinking about what you have that you love and why. If even for a minute, I hope you hug a little harder and kiss a little deeper. Recognize those you have and how they have shaped you into who you are today. Take life and live it vigorously, it’s the only one you will ever get.